You Get What You Expect

This morning I woke to one of my monthly news letters about childrearing in my inbox.  It was interestingly very apropos for my post last night, so I thought I would take the time to share it.  Also, I will  throw in a plug for any new parents out there. I highly highly recommend this series and I believe it takes you through age 5. I have tried many things - but this is by far the best.  Check it out at www.growingchild.com. (It also makes a great gift for an expecting friend!)

YOU GET WHAT YOU EXPECT

I spent another morning in a preschool classroom last week. I arrived in time to hear the teacher telling Sean that he'd better quit that right now; he'd had a bad day yesterday and he was already heading for another.

But within the next ten minutes he had been reprimanded for not standing appropriately for the Pledge, for poking his neighbor at group time, and for suggesting a typically off-color four-year-old name for the elf on the shelf.

The teacher looked unhappier by the minute, and Sean looked--well, a combination of nervous and defiant, sure that the axe would soon fall, and darned if he would worry about it.

I spent a few minutes thinking about the power of expectations, both negative and positive.

Remember that, to a large extent, children see themselves through our adult eyes. If adults give them feedback that suggests that the child is not capable of doing good things, children quickly adopt this negative view into their self-concept.

Our images of ourselves tend to control and limit the persons we become; children who believe themselves to be naughty will behave more and more in accordance with this picture.

And vice versa--kids who get a good deal of positive reflection from approving adults tend to think well of themselves. There is a lot of power in adult expectations.

The harried teacher--definitely not to be blamed, because the day-to-day good will of even the most loving adult can be worn thin by constant negative interaction˜-asked if I could spend some time with Sean that morning.

So I sat with him, commenting and encouraging as he worked. And the child who, the teacher stated, never finished an assigned task, did so that morning.

This has nothing to do with a contrast of adult teaching styles, but rather a change of focus. I, as a newcomer, had no history of negative expectations to convey to Sean, so I could approach him without mental baggage and with an open mind.

I found a youngster who had a quick mind, darting from one thing to another, making some creative connections. I discovered a child who wanted to do well, and who responded to my positive expectations.

I saw his teacher relax, as she was able to focus on the big picture about Sean, seeing these strengths when she wasn't having to deal with his negative behaviors.

Reflecting on this experience later, several thoughts occurred to me. One is that adults need others to give them a time-out, when faced with constant challenges. That's why it is fortunate when there are two parents in a home, or two teachers in a classroom; single parents have to find someone to give them respite.

Getting a break gives new perspective and energy to return to the difficult task of child rearing.

Another thought is that no child is 100 percent naughty all of the time. Sometimes we narrow our vision, focusing only on the current problems, and it is important to widen it out, to notice children's strengths and abilities, indeed, their likable parts.

The more we catch them being good, the more they respond to our positive expectations. You get what you expect.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.