It is the feeling of helplessness. Of no where to turn. Of being completely and utterly overwhelmed. Like a one ton weight sitting on my chest pressing out every inch of usable air. As though I have forgotten how to breath....up and down......in with the good out with the bad.....
I'm feeling a bit bi-polar as only a week ago I was writing about the secret bliss of simply taking your family with you when you travel. Now, here I am writing from my hotel bed in DC....alone - me, the TV remote and the alarm clock that I know how to program with my eyes closed as apparently the manufacturer had great volume deals that every hotel capitalized on!! I've just quelled my third or fourth bout of sobbing like a child into my pillow.
I've reached my breaking point.
It has been a long time coming, but for the first time in my life I feel truly stuck.
The unfiltered emotion this feeling creates has simply overwhelmed me. I can see without a doubt where people find the strength to do amazing things when their back is to a wall.
I love my family. I love my job. But I am a year into doing exactly what I vowed I would never do. I am missing Ayden's life. He is not getting younger and my travel schedule has only gotten worse.
I love my job. I take pride in my work. I am good at my job. I am asked to travel because I am good at my job. I thrive on the challenge, on the success and on the opportunity to use my skills and develop new ones.
I love my family. [In fact, after having Ayden, I believe the english language must create a stronger word to describe the feeling I have for this child.] I identify with being a mother. [Since I can remember I have waited for the day I had a child to call me mom; a child to pour more love and devotion into than one person can possibly muster.] I am a good mother and I hope to be a good mother to three more children.
But, I also recognize that I am a better mom because I work. I am not cut out to be a stay at home mother, and I get that and am OK with that. Thus, striking the right balance is the end all be all for my life. The peak of my happiness curve falls somewhere between Tessa the 'professional' and Tessa the 'mother/wife' - though the exact point has so far eluded me.
I can handle the work load and pressure with one hand behind my back. What I cannot handle is the separation from Ayden.
If I keep the wheels on the tarmac, I loose my edge. If I continue as I have been I will loose my mind.
What do I do??
5 comments:
What about starting your own family practice? Call your own shots... and have it in your policies that no one works from the road without bringing their kids ;-)
Keep being YOU! I am incredibly in AWE of you and all you do! I only hope that when I return back to work, I handle it with such grace and strength as you do! You are doing whats best for you and your family, and thats why we are here on this earth! Any and every decision you make, is either the right one or most definitely "right for now!" Keep being strong Tess!!! :)))) Many people, including me, feed off your strength! xx
The fact that you can so elequently express your feelings into words is inspiring. I wish I had advice for you, and I also wish I had your bravery for expressing and publishing feelings...
It will work out, as things do. You're amazing, and the fact that you feel and question is one of the things that makes you so.
So sorry you feel that way. Wish I had words of encouragement for you right now.
Hang in there and may God guide you and give you strength.
I have nothing constructive to say. I should just take this time to let you know that I think you are an AMAZING mom in so many ways. My friends who don't know you are probably tired of hearing about you because I am always saying, "well my friend Tessa who has a 1 year old...." and following it up with some motherly thing that I plan to copy. Just remember that this is much harder on you than it is on Ayden. Just listen to your heart and I'm sure you will manage something that will work out for all three of you. No matter what you decide and no matter where you go from here, Ayden will love and appreciate you and everything you do for him.
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